Jokes

Voodoo Dick: Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos."Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him."Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo."Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?""This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise."All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door."The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box."The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?""Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.""Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, ok."So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man.The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over."Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer."Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it."To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

A new Priest.: A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.